Regrets, I’ve had a few. Haven’t we all? Some small, like not buying two pairs of the same comfy sweatpants five years ago, which you need now that your one pair is threadworn and playing a constant game of peeknow -a-boo with your butt cheek. And some are large, like telling your boyfriend in college that you were in love with his best friend. (I don’t recommend this course of action.) But regrets are how we learn those all important life lessons, and ideally, we only make the same mistake once. Or twice. Or like, 23-25 times, and then we get it right accidentally and don’t actually learn the lesson anyway. Oh, life!

And as soon as we are generally content and happy with where we are in life and love and online shopping addiction control, we immediately subscribe to the tenet that regrets are fruitless and pointless and a waste of energy because, “If I had done even the smallest thing differently, I may not be where I am today, with the person/house/Masters degree/children/cheeseburger/booming Etsy business that makes me so happy now.”

I admit it, I’m guilty. Early on in our relationship, I told my husband that I would gladly go through my whole disastrous dating life and difficult divorce all over again if it meant that I would end up with him at the end. I meant every word of it, and I still do. But much like that horrible phenomenon of thinking of the PERFECT thing to say as soon as someone has walked away, I still have a list of things I wish I had said at various points of my existence. Some small, some large. Some nice, some not so nice. Hopefully by releasing these words and confessions into the ether of the Internets, I will be set free from the hold these things have over me. Or at the very least, I can passive-aggressively get my message across to some people from my past. Don’t judge. Just read.

To my 4th Grade Teacher: I will color any way I darn well please, even if it means getting a “U” for “Unsatisfactory” on my report card. How can I think outside the box if I can’t go outside the lines?

To the Mean Girl in 5th Grade: You may have the power now, but someday you’re going to have the worst grammar I’ve ever seen on Facebook.

To that guy from freshman year of college who I obsessed over: I understand now that you had no personality, so you couldn’t possibly see how sparkling and wonderful I was, even with 22 extra pounds packed on my little frame.

To that OTHER guy from college that I liked a lot for years and years and years: I don’t like you anymore, so stop being afraid of me, you weirdo.

To the agent who told me that I needed a $500 makeover in front of all of my classmates: Got it! Now tell me, how much is it going to cost for you to make over your soul?

To Jim the Bartender: No. Now get out of my apartment.

To every guy I stayed with for too long: You know, I don’t think we are going to work out. I think you are a wonderful person, and it breaks my heart to say goodbye to you, but in order for us both to be happy and truly fulfilled, I think we should stop seeing each other. (How mature is that??)

To the casting person who said I’m too pretty: Here’s a selfie of me in the morning. And thank you 🙂

To the casting person who said I’m “not quite right”: It’s cool, I know you’re saying I’m not pretty enough. I’m actually not offended, believe it or not.

To the first casting person I met in LA: Broadway is difficult and impressive. Don’t invalidate my success with your ignorance.

To every stranger who has told me how to raise my dogs: Thanks for the tip! In return, I will do you the favor of telling you that neon green as an overall fashion choice is not your friend. Have a great day!

To everyone who has passed me over for a job because they needed “a name”: I have a name. It’s Patti Murin. I just don’t have a Tony Award. (insert your own name here if you are inspired to use this)

To my Ex-Husband: I’m happy that you are happy. At least 87% of the time. I’m working on it.

To my grandmothers, who have both passed: Your support means everything to me. I love you so very much.

To myself: If you can get through a moment, you can get through a day. You are good enough. You are not forgettable. The best is yet to come. Stop buying so much crap online.