Arie Lundkswhatever

Much to my dismay, Arie Lundyehaksndu (spelling is dubious) was named the 2018 Bachelor over my absolute favorite of all time (FOAT?), Peter Kraus. Arie was the runner-up on Emily Maynard’s season approximately 42 years ago, aka before many of you reading this were even born. Arie is a race car driver, though I’ve never been sure if he is actually good at his job, and I can’t be bothered to do any research on that since most of my free time is spent petting my dogs and Googling pictures of Peter Kraus.

This week People magazine released the very first look at the ladies who will vie for Arie’s heart (assuming he has one), and I can’t think of a better way to spend a cold Saturday in Chicago than giving out my Very Early and Super Surface First Impression Superlatives. Please keep in mind that the only information I have to go off of is their name, occupation, age and one headshot and one full body shot (http://people.com/tv/arie-luyendyk-jr-bachelor-season-22-cast/kendall-26/). So let’s cut to the chase (I didn’t even mean to say that, it’s becoming clear how many driving puns we are in for this season) and meet some of the women who were hoping it would be Peter but hung on anyway in hopes of being the next Bachelorette.

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First of all, there are 4 Laurens this year. FOUR. Lauren B, Lauren J, Lauren G and Lauren S. At least they found 4 Laurens with last names starting with different letters. Of these 4 Laurens (what do you call a pack of Laurens? A flock? A gaggle? A party?), I’m going to predict that Lauren J. and Lauren G. survive the longest. Lauren J. is one of the older (HA HA) ladies, coming in at 33 years old, and Lauren G. is 31 and just looks like she has a good head on her shoulders. Lauren B. is a technology salesperson and I fear the lack of specificity in her job title alludes to a lack of specificity in her personality. I bet she comes and goes without making a blip on the radar.

Adding to the name drama and confusion, there are women named Brittnay, Brittane, Briana, Bibiana and Bekah. God forbid anyone’s nickname is simply “B.” I’m not immediately taken by any of these women, which leaves an excellent window for the 5 of them to get eliminated early and form a girl band named “Britianakah.”

Bekah

Also let’s talk about Bekah for a second. She is the one woman who declined to give her age. 90% of me is like, hell yeah, you go girl, age is just a number, don’t let them judge you on what year you were born. The other 10% is super curious about WHY she doesn’t want us to know how old she is, and also knowing that I will be making secret bets with myself all season about whether she is 21 or 45. In conclusion, YOU GO GIRL I bet she’s 29.

“Most Likely To Have a Great Sense of Humor” goes to Tia. When you come from a town called Weiner, you have to grow up with some jokes in your back pocket. I think Tia will go far, for this reason and also because she’s Raven’s best friend and I’m sure she got some really good tips before joining the race (gross).

Judging by the limited facts we have available to us, I’m going to name Jacqueline “Most Likely To Be the Crazy One,” and this is solely based on the fact that someone didn’t like

Jacqueline

her and refused to PhotoShop the flyaway hairs in her headshot. Olivia and Maquel are runners-up for this very same reason. SOMEONE in the photo editing room has a vendetta against them. The proof is there, plain as day.

Here to make friends? Krystal and Jennifer. Not here to make friends? Maquel and Alison. Here for the wrong reasons? Jessica, just because she’s the only one with a career in the entertainment industry. She’s a television host, but she really wants to be a fashion blogger or have her own makeup line. And last, who is going to get wasted on the first night and either fall into the pool or be sent home before the Rose Ceremony? Me. I’m going with me.

D’nysha

D’nysha was definitely nominated by her friends and is there against her will. Just look at the expression on her face. Will she ultimately give in to the process? Remains to be seen, but I’m gonna say probably not and hope she’s the one with all the great one liners this season.

I really want Marikh to be normal because she’s super lovely and looks calm in her pictures. Can you tell this is a scientifically based study?

Marikh

At this time, I don’t actually care who wins, since Arie is at the top of my list of least interesting humans ever, but the biggest question going into the season is: WHO WILL BE OUR NEXT BACHELORETTE? Seinne, Marikh, Lauren G, Lauren J and Kendall give me “runner up” vibes, meaning amazing women who deserve to choose their own boyfriend/husband/fiancee and will make America fall in love with them during this season but ultimately Arie will choose the boring/lame/crazy/obvious one and it won’t be any of them.

So there it is. My incredibly early first impressions of a group of humans based purely on a photograph and a dream. I’m excited about this season, because as disappointed as I am in the person giving out the roses, it seems like we have an interesting group of women to watch. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to get back to harassing the producers of this show to put me on the Bachelor Winter Games (do you hear me Robert and Elan???). Can’t wait until Janu-Peter!