Hello hello hello, fellow Rose Lovers! After nearly a 4 month break, the first episode of the new season of The Bachelor will air on January 6th of the year 2020, starring some guy named Peter who flies planes and apparently has some seriously impressive physical stamina in a windmill. That’s it. That’s his personality. Flying sex man. He literally looks like Nick Viall and Ben Higgins had a baby and came out with the least interesting combination of DNA possible. I’ll hold out hope that he proves himself to be fun, or funny, or alive, but it’s probably safer to hope the ladies are bringing the drama this season.
Speaking of the ladies, THE LADIES ARE HERE! ABC has officially released the bios of all 30 gentlewomen* about to descend on the Bachelor mansion and Peter in hopes of finding lasting love/a spot on Paradise/an Instagram sponsorship with gummy buddy hair grow friends.
*A note on the word “gentlewomen”: I wanted to find a synonym for “ladies” that was neither sexist nor rude, which was much more difficult than you might think. Among the immediate rejects were broads, bitches, dames, dolls, mamas, and my personal favorite, bags. I wasn’t entirely sold on “gentlewomen,” but then I discovered a super cool British magazine called The Gentlewoman that has had the likes of Beyoncé, Saoirse Ronan and Margaret Atwood on the cover, and my decision was quickly made. Plus now I have a new magazine subscription to make my husband shake his head when he goes to get the mail and the only thing that falls out is the entire print industry with my name and address on it. You’re welcome, magazine writers!
So! I combed through all of the bios carefully (i.e. judged based on picture, age and profession) and chose a few obvious (random) standouts (females with names and ages and professions) that I’m hoping will make it past the first all nighter, or at least not show up dressed as an airplane asking Peter to “take a ride” in her. So without further adieu, to you and you and you, I give you: Patti’s Picks for Peter’s Pen- hahahahaha you totally thought I was gonna go there, and to be honest, I almost did. ANYWAY:
Meet Avonlea! She’s a 27 year old cattle rancher who grew up on the ranch, but now lives in the big bad city of Fort Worth, where they still have daily cattle drives right down the center of town. What a city slicker! Her bio states that she “has traveled to almost all 50 states in an RV,” so I’m assuming she’s still waiting to check Hawaii off her list. No red flags from Avonlea, so she’ll either get kicked off immediately or take the whole herd home.
Heeeere’s Courtney! At the ripe old age of 26, Courtney is done wasting her time with boys and is ready for a man. Courtney, I have news for you: There’s no such thing as men. They’re all boys. I’m sorry to break this harsh news, but it’s better than you searching for something you’ll never find, like a unicorn or a perfect system of government. Courtney is also extremely claustrophobic, so I’m looking forward to the Isn’t It Fun Being Buried Alive date the producers will inevitably send her on.
Hi, Jasmine! I have some mixed feelings about Jasmine. She seems smart, passionate, and like she knows what she wants and won’t settle for less. She wants to travel to Vietnam to see her homeland, and she has a golden retriever named Gnarles Barkley, which gives her a billion points in my book. But she also wants a guy who can find her Chick-Fil-A on a Sunday, which doesn’t exactly go along with my general “love is love is love” values. But then again, I find it difficult to keep track of what corporations I’m supposed to put my money towards and which ones to boycott, so I’m going to assume she’s confused and reserve judgement on Jasmine until I’m forced to care about her one way or another.
Jenna, you are my new favorite, at least through the letter J in this seemingly never ending list of gentlewomen. Jenna’s idea of great nightlife in Chicago is playing darts and trivia. Jenna went to Africa on a life changing medical mission, and is now a nursing student. Jenna loves Chrissy Teigen. Jenna’s best friend is her goldfish, George. Jenna, I will marry you if Peter does not.
This is Katrina! Katrina is yet another gentlewoman hailing from Chicago who is looking to settle down with the man of her dreams. Last Halloween Katrina dressed up as her hairless cat, Jasmine, and Jasmine dressed up as Katrina. This terrifies me, mainly when picturing what Katrina’s costume actually entailed. Katrina doesn’t like not being in control, which makes her the perfect contestant for this absolutely insane television show. I have a feeling Katrina might be a breakout star on Bachelor in Paradise.
Enter Kiarra: Kiarra likes talking, social media, and fashion. Kiarra hates sports. Kiarra and I would never get along, as I love sports and my idea of fashion is my pair of “fancy” heather green sweatpants. Plus we would literally talk each other to death, so I’ll just wish her the best and move on to….
Madison! Madison is a 23 year old Foster Parent Coordinator living in Alabama. I get the feeling that Madison is very connected to her religion, mainly because of phrases like, “prioritize faith and family,” “same religious values,” “missionary work,” and “If Madison was stranded on an island and could only bring one book, it would be The Bible” that pepper her bio. I’m a big fan of the whole Bachelor/ette franchise actually highlighting people’s religious beliefs in recent seasons, as it is quite a massive part of people’s lives and can seriously impact their decisions when it comes to romantic relationships. I mean, I can’t even remember to brush my teeth twice a day, so I have enormous respect for anyone who has the focus and energy for religion as part of their everyday lives. Don’t settle, Madison!
And here we have Natasha, who holds this season’s crown for Oldest Gentlewoman On the Television Show. She’s reeeeaaalllly pushing it at the ripe old age of 31, and if she doesn’t find a husband in the next 6 weeks, she’s fated to die alone, broken and unloved. All of the previous statements are 1000% completely sarcastic, and Natasha actually seems like a super cool woman who most likely knows a ton more than, say, the 22 year olds who swear they’re mature and ready to settle down for the rest of their lives with Flying Sex Man. Natasha, I’m rooting for you. Plus I’m a big fan of your Bachelor bio photo face. Natasha ain’t taking no shit.
Next is Savannah, and I’d simply like to quote her bio: “She was in an on-and-off relationship for six years, but he couldn’t show love or be romantic with her, which was a big problem. Also, during one of the ‘off’ times, he slept with one of her friends, which ended things for good.” Soooo….it literally can’t get any worse than that for poor Savannah. Unless…
…you’re Shiann! Her bio state: “Falling in love has been difficult in the past for Shiann because every guy she’s dated either ended up ghosting her, having a wife and kids, or liking her friends over her.” Wowzers. Needless to say, I will be watching Savannah and Shiann very carefully throughout this competition.
And finally, we have Eunice/Jade/Megan: Would this even be a complete season without not one, not two, but THREE flight attendant contestants for Pilot Pete??? These ladies are 23/26/26 years old, hailing from Chicago/Arizona/San Francisco. They love Christmas/line dancing/facemasks, and are looking for a man with a quality heart/who isn’t her ex-husband/who loves his career as much as she loves hers. Be on guard for the most amount of airplane/air travel/Mile High Club puns from these three gentlewomen.
And there we have it. There are so many more fascinating gentlewomen to judge prematurely admire, but I only have so much time and Pilot Pete is going to get rid of a billion of them on night one anyway. It’s not like I’ll learn their actual names until Hometowns. So tell me, who starts your jet engine? Any thoughts on who’s bringing the most baggage on this trip? Which gentlewoman will be the first to reach Peter’s cockpit?
And with that, I leave you with a photo of the Peter I still wish was gracing our screens this season. See you on January 6th!