Guest Blogging!

Hi friends!

I recently did a guest blog for my yoga studio, and I wanted to share it with all of you. It was way scarier than writing for my own blog, because I was writing for an audience that I was generally unfamiliar with, as opposed to my own gang of fun supporters. Also, the fact that I just used the phrase “my yoga studio” is solid proof of how much I have changed in the past few months/years, as I used to be a person who regularly said, “I hate yoga. It’s just not for me.” Cut to: right now. I found a studio and a method and a group of people that I adore, and I’m in for life.

http://barefeetpoweryoga.com/uncategorized/guest-blogger-patti-murin/

So enjoy!

XO

Patti

yoga

I used this picture earlier this year, before I realized that I’m a yogi at heart.

 

New Blog for #PartywithPatti

I just have SO MUCH to say that I had to create a whole new site for all of it! In case some of you who read Literally Patti Murin are not following #PartywithPatti every single second of every day, I don’t want you to be inundated with emails and tweets about it. So I’ve spun off a separate blog specifically for our 366 Days of Celebration in 2016.

https://partywithpatti.wordpress.com

Subscribe to that one if you want up to the minute accounts of what I’m celebrating, and what you could be celebrating too! I’ve linked it to my Twitter and Facebook accounts, so it will be nice and annoying there as well. Thanks friends!

January 1st

Happy New Year, friends! It is officially the first day of #PartywithPatti, so here’s what I celebrated today:

 

National Bloody Mary Day:

My husband and I bought all of the ingredients to enjoy this very important holiday, and we used a recipe from a cocktail book that one of our dear friends wrote: “Gone With the Gin,” by Tim Federle. As each recipe in the book is inspired by a different movie, we chose the “Bloody Mary Poppins” to kick off 2016!

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Happy National Bloody Mary Day!

Yes, we did garnish it with bacon, and yes, I did wear my workout clothes to make Bloody Marys, hoping that would force me to go to the gym. Which leads us to….

 

New Year’s Day:

Happy 2016! I went to the gym with the worst jet lag I’ve ever had and somehow pushed through a FlyBarre class. Miraculously I did not vomit. Yay, go me. Also, a very important part of New Year’s Day is making a list of resolutions that I am most likely not going to keep. I’ll share them with you, but I warn you: I reserve the right to change my mind:

I resolve to see #PartywithPatti through to the very end!

I resolve to either take care of my body, or to stop bitching about feeling gross or unhealthy or fat when I don’t take care of it properly.

I resolve to exercise in some form 5 times a week.

 

That seems like enough, right? Sure! Happy New Year to all of you, and I will see you tomorrow! (And the next day, and the next day, and the next day…)

 

First Four Days!

Hi friends! As I am currently honeymooning in the most spectacular place on earth and left all of my notes at home, I can only remember the first four days of 2016 and what I will be celebrating for #PartywithPatti. So in case you want to join me, the preliminary schedule is this:

January 1st: New Year’s Day. National Bloody Mary Day. 

January 2nd: National Personal Trainer Awareness/Appreciation Day. National Cream Puff Day (now that’s irony). National Buffet Day. National Science Fiction Day. 

January 3rd: National Fruitcake Toss Day. National Chocolate Covered Cherry Day. National Drinking Straw Day. 

January 4th: National Spaghetti Day. National Trivia Day. National Thank God It’s Monday Day!

Note: Thank God It’s Monday Day is only recognized on one of the websites I’ve been referencing, but it is also the premiere of The Bachelor, so it warrants a crap ton of celebration. And let me tell you, this season is gonna be a DOOZY. 

I’m going to try and put out a weekly calendar so everyone who wants to know ahead of time (or is a day ahead of the US) can prepare and celebrate. Thank you again for being a part of this insanity!!!

#PartywithPatti

Friends, followers, family members, Internet weirdos. 2015 is rapidly winding to a close, and the only things left on my To Do List are to go on my honeymoon, call the dentist, and write this blog, my last of the year. 2015 has been rather excellent. I got married to someone who actually makes me believe in soulmates, not in that romance-novel-gazing-into-each-other’s-eyes-laughing-softly way, but in the oh-man-we-are-the-exact-same-kind-of-weird-way. We adopted a second dog (hopefully this is not an annual tradition). Audra McDonald followed me on Twitter. Literally all of my best friends had babies.

Looking back on this epic year, I have decided that I want to do something to ensure that 2016 is just as celebratory, special and memorable. So I’m going to assign myself a PROJECT.

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Me at the height of my elementary school project days. Probably not at the height of my popularity.

I was always good at projects as a kid. Maybe I procrastinated a bunch, but it was because I knew I could get it done at the last minute and have glorious results. Maybe this makes me sound like an asshole child, but this was before I figured out what an ego was, so this self-assuredness was entirely innocent. And true. But the days of dioramas and living book reports are long over (like, looooooong over), so I’m publicly challenging myself to this new project so as to make myself accountable for it. And to invoke severe fear of public humiliation in myself if I don’t complete it. What is this project, you ask? Well, let me tell you…

You know how EVERY SINGLE DAY on Twitter or Facebook, there is some random food or animal or person or ridiculous event to celebrate? Like, so many that you ask yourself, “Dude, does EVERY SINGLE FOOD have its own holiday? Do I need to celebrate EVERYTHING???”

Well, in 2016, my answer to this question is…YES.

I, Patricia Marie Elizabeth Murin (Donnell in spirit and love) am going to attempt to celebrate and observe as many National Days of Whatever as I can. Every single day, I will recognize whatever bizarre thing some random person has decided needs a holiday. I will follow the Twitter hashtags. I will eat the things. I will probably bake more. I will stare at my laptop/iPad/iPhone/iContactLenses with disbelief. And then I will shrug and say, “Let’s celebrate.”

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Me staring at my desktop in utter disbelief.

You may be asking, “WHY would you do this? A year is a long time, and as there are many foods celebrated throughout the course of twelve months, you might gain 400 pounds!”

I’m not going to gain 400 pounds. Maybe like 15, but I gained 22 my freshman year of college and lived to tell the tale, so who cares? I’m doing this because right now the world, and more locally, the United States, is in a bit of a dire state of political insanity, assault rifles, and just a general unrest that will hopefully result in major change in the right direction and not World War III. And the best thing I can do right now for society is to celebrate the little things, and share my celebrations with as many other people as possible. Like the Ice Cream Sandwich (August 2nd) that reminds us of the lunch line in middle school.  Or the Zoo (April 8th), where so many generations of our families have memories. Or the Yellow Pig (July 17th), which I have absolutely no clue about, but I will challenge myself to learn. I will celebrate every day in 2016. Some days, I will celebrate many, many things. Some days, so much celebration will make me angry and tired. But I would rather be angry because I’m celebrating than angry because I’m bored.

To protect myself and my fragile ego and the general lack of follow through I tend to exhibit, I’m setting up some preliminary ground rules (that will most likely change as the year goes on). So far, they are:

  1. If I don’t believe in it, I will not celebrate it. I will ignore it entirely. Completely Fake Examples: National Make Fun of Your Mom Day. National Kick A Dog Day. National Only Drink Raw Juice Day. I will not celebrate these fake holidays, or any real ones that I don’t agree with on personal principle.
  2. It seems like every day a different food is acknowledged. Unfortunately, I have actual life threatening allergies to many of these foods (see previous blog post: https://wordpress.com/read/post/feed/25363033/857096106), so if anything that is being celebrated could also cause my death, I will slightly aggressively bow out.
  3. There are roughly 80 billion National Days of Whatever, so to keep it real, I referenced three seemingly comprehensive and randomly chosen websites. If a National Day was acknowledged on two out of the three websites (on the same calendar day for 2016), I put it on my list. If not, I ignored it. You’ll see when we get to May that this step was imperative. I’m one human with actual real jobs coming up. I need a strategy.
  4. I reserve the right to change the rules at any given time.
  5. I reserve the right to interpret each holiday any way I want, though I will try my best to be true to the original meaning of the day.
  6. Feel free to join me in celebrating any day you would like! The more, the merrier. Follow me on Twitter and Instagram if you don’t already (@PattiMurin), and if you don’t already, what the hell were you waiting for??  I will be using the hashtag #PartywithPatti for the whole year, even if I’m the only one. FYI, I just threw up inside my stomach a little bit. It was such a deep disgust with myself that it didn’t even get all the way up to my mouth.
  7. If there are days when I can not complete a task, I reserve the right to assign said task to a friend, husband, family member, dog, random Twitter follower who has better access to a Leg of Lamb (May 7th) than I do, etc. I will, however, do my absolute best to complete everything myself.
  8. I am not getting paid for this. I am not being sponsored. I’m also just an idiot girl, standing in front of an Internet, asking them to love her.

You guys are amazing just for reading this. Let’s make 2016 a year of celebration and appreciation, and remember how much we love other human beings and animals and plants and food and bizarre customs. And most importantly, let’s count down the minutes to National Wine Day (May 25th, or let’s be honest, every day). GAME ON!IMG_3444

Patti Claus Saves the Day!

Happy Holidays, everyone! Merry Christmas! Happy Hannukah/Hanukkah/Chanukah! Happy Kwanzaa! Celebrate Boxing Day like a champ! Have an excellent Ramadan! Enjoy the Fiesta of Our Lady of Guadalupe!

(Phew, I’m exhausted. I apologize for any celebrations I may have missed, but I’m sending much holiday love to all of you as well.)

Tis the season for holly and feasting and trees and candles and latkes and big fat men who come into our house and eat our food without asking! Tis also the season for gift giving. Some people are easy to buy for! Some people, not so much. There are thousands of gift giving guides at the tip of our fingers, and I’m about to give you another one…with a bit of a twist.

Most of us have to buy for parents, siblings, nieces, nephews, best friends, spouses, kids, etc. But what about those completely random people you have to buy for? What about the person who might interpret your gift in a completely different way than it was intended? Have no fear: Patti Claus is here with a few suggestions for these delicate and difficult present exchanges!

FOR THE PERSON AT WORK WHOSE NAME YOU PULLED OUT OF A HAT FOR SECRET SANTA THAT YOU HAVE NEVER SPOKEN TO AND THE ONLY WORDS ON THEIR FAVORITES LIST ARE “BLUE” AND “TEAPOTS”:

DO: Obviously the final gift is a blue teapot. But to make them feel loved through the week as well, decorate their workspace! Send them on a scavenger hunt looking for a small gift of some fancy tea! Leave notes on their lunch in the fridge. Write poems with clues. Time is key here. For some people you can just buy lots of shit, but unfortunately for you, you need to spend some actual thought and effort on this one.

DON’T: NO GIFT CARDS. This is the epitome of saying, “I don’t know you, nor do I care about you, so here’s some free coffee you’ll have to wait on crazy long lines for.”

FOR THE PERSON YOU’VE BEEN DATING FOR ONLY A FEW WEEKS:

DO: Nothing. Plan a dinner date before you both leave town for the holidays, and if you really feel like you need something, get a TINY present to have on hand in case they surprise you with something. Nothing too personal. A few little bottles of their favorite liquor inside a fun glass. If they have a favorite candy, a holiday version of it. Just a little token that fits in your purse or murse, but something you can also enjoy if they don’t have anything for you.

DON’T: Be a crazy person. Do I have to expand on this? Ugh, fine, I will. Don’t buy them anything expensive. If you do buy them something, be prepared for them to run away from you emotionally. Don’t expect a present back. Don’t invite yourself home for Hannukah with them. When in doubt, DON’T.

FOR THE PERSON AT THE DOG PARK WHOSE NAME YOU CAN’T EVER REMEMBER BUT YOU SEE THEM EVERY DAY AND THEY WEIRDLY GAVE YOUR DOG A GIFT:

DO: Find out their name!! However you have to do it. Ask to see their license. Give them your phone and tell them to put their number in. Whatever you have to do. Then say, “Thank you so much for the gift! Milo and Petey are going to love their new embroidered beanies. I have a gift for Muffy at home, but I was going to see if you guys wanted to come over later for a doggie play date and give it to her then!” Then run like hell to the closest pet supply store and buy Muffy some personalized dog pearls.

DON’T: Try to pass off that extra treat in your pocket as Muffy’s gift. Don’t be an idiot.

FOR THE MUTUAL FRIEND WHO STILL WORKS WITH YOUR EX-SPOUSE’S NEW SPOUSE:

Do: Put a stake in their friendship. A wall hanging with an inside joke embroidered on it, or a super cute picture of the two of you that can decorate their cubicle or office or workspace. Make sure you look like a freaking rock star in the picture. Doesn’t matter how your friend looks, this isn’t about them.

Don’t: Get super crazy. You don’t need to drop a ton of dollars. Quality is important here, not cost. Also, don’t drop it off in person at the office. That’s just desperation and the chances of you making a fool out of yourself are enormous.

FOR THE BOSS WHO YOU’RE PRETTY SURE WANTS TO DATE YOU EVEN THOUGH THEY’RE LIKE 30 YEARS OLDER THAN YOU AND CREEPY:

DO: A lottery ticket, a bag of Skittles, and a Starbucks gift card. Anything that makes it look like you totally forgot about it until you were already on your way to work the day before Christmas break. A 99 cent card that merely says, “Happy Holidays! YOUR NAME.” And leave it on their desk when they’re not there so you don’t get trapped in their office being pulled into an inappropriate work hug.

DON’T: Anything you have to put thought into. Also, no alcohol. You may not have to put thought into that, but Creepy Boss might think it means you want to have a drink with him/her. (Shudders.)

FOR YOUR AWESOME MAILPERSON:

DO: Cookies! If you know them really well and are 100% sure you won’t poison them, bake them yourself. If not, buy some gourmet cookies from a favorite local bakery. They will appreciate the gesture, even if they are gluten/dairy/soy/nut/egg/wheat free. There’s just no easy way to do that anymore, you know? Or if you know they celebrate Christmas, a cute ornament that says “World’s Best Postman/woman” with their name painted on it. Just find the kiosk at the mall.

DON’T: Give anything that exceeds $20 in value. No gift cards or cash at all. These are actually laws in the United States of America. So like, obey the law and crap.

FOR THE IN-LAW OR FAMILY MEMBER YOU ARE FAILY CERTAIN DOES NOT LIKE YOU AT ALL, AND WHO DON’T LIKE ANYTHING FUN, LIKE WINE OR CHOCOLATE OR HAPPINESS:

(Note: I have never experienced this. My entire family is the best on the planet, and I truly hit the jackpot with my amazing in-laws. Hi Mom and Dad and Ben and Françoise! I love you!)

DO: Consider donating to charity in their name. Bonus if it’s an organization they have a special connection to. It’s something we should all be doing every holiday season anyway, and it can truly make a difference. Plus, it makes you look awesome and selfless, and they literally can’t complain about not getting a gift, because that makes them look like an asshole. And if they do complain, then everyone now knows that they are, in fact, an asshole, something you have known all along. It’s a win-win.

(The following is a list of the best and worst charities for your donations: http://www.consumerreports.org/cro/news/2014/12/best-and-worst-charities-for-your-money/index.htm)

DON’T: Get them clothing. If you get the wrong size, they’ll make a fat joke that is actually a public mortifying reprimand. They will use a gift card, but they will also bitch behind your back about how thoughtless of a gift it is, and how you must have stopped by the CVS on your way over to pick it up because you forgot about them.

FOR THE EX-BOYFRIEND WHO IS NOW MARRIED WITH A CHILD WHO RECENTLY DID YOU A FAVOR SO YOU NEED TO SEND A GIFT BUT IT’S KINDA WEIRD CAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU’RE TOTALLY FRIENDS NOW HE’S MARRIED TO THE GIRL HE BROKE UP WITH YOU FOR:

DO: Have a bottle of wine or whiskey sent to their house. MiniBar is an excellent app for that, as is Tipsy. Easy peasy.

DON’T: Sign the card “love.” Actually, have the guy at the store sign the card, like they do with flowers. No presents for the kid, cause if they love it, you’re screwed and mom hates you. Nothing they can hang in their home, cause let’s be honest, they don’t want to think of you every time they walk by it. Yeah, anything that they can’t eat or drink in one night should be vetoed automatically.

THE STEPCHILD WHO IS NOT EXCITED BY YOUR EXISTENCE:

DO: Gift cards. Gift cards all the way. Gift. Cards. GIFT CARDS.

DON’T:  Buy anything except gift cards.

Well, I hope that helped a bit! In a season that is supposed to be about love and giving and sharing, it’s easy to get bogged down in finding the absolute perfect gifts. But if you’re sincere when you give it to them, and you take an extra few seconds to tell them how much they mean to you, that might make all the difference. Except not with Creepy Boss. Don’t encourage that.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYONE!!!

XO,

Patti Claus

Official Rules (and Disclaimers) for The (S)OCMLITDG: The (Semi) Official “Chicago Med” Live Interactive Twitter Drinking Game

Hi friends!

I had so much fun with our drinking game during last week’s premiere of “Chicago Med” on NBC that I want to hang out with all of you again! So this week, let’s change it up a bit, and do it live on Twitter as we watch. Follow me @pattimurin, tune in to NBC at 9 PM EST (8 PM CST, sorry West Coast!), and review this list of official rules and disclaimers that I am most likely legally required to state so I don’t get sued.

  1. By “Drinking Game,” that does NOT mean alcohol. You may choose any liquid of choice, including but not limited to: wine, water, Diet Coke, chocolate milk, beer, V8, V8 Splash, V8 V-Fusion, V8 V-Fusion + Energy, Red Bull, peach Schnapps, prune juice, champagne, etc etc etc. Hell, you can take a bite of a sandwich instead of drinking for all I care.
  2. If you ARE drinking alcohol, I’m assuming you are over 21. Right, friends?
  3. If you are drinking alcohol, PLEASE don’t be an idiot. Stay home in your cozy PJs to watch, or have a Designated Driver who is absolutely not swallowing any alcohol or consuming any drugs tonight. I mean, this is a medical show. Let’s not contribute to the plethora of drunk driving storylines we are unfortunately destined to see in the upcoming seasons, okay?
  4. BE NICE! Be nice. Just be nice! Maybe apply this rule to your every day tweeting. And living.
  5. Use the hashtag #ChicagoMed so all the folks at NBC can see how much fun we are having!
  6. Feel free to tweet me any fun (clean) pictures or stories or comments! I like interacting with all of you!